God Is Just A Text Message Away
Abante Tonite, one of the country’s most provocative and reliable (don’t forget CLASSY) publications, has an amazing program that will bring the Filipino people even closer to God… through text. Yes. Through text. We are the self-proclaimed text capital of the world. We text everyone. We text our friends, our family members, and random strangers from the internet who may or may not be transvestites. So why not text God as well? And through Abante Tonite’s Cyber Prayer Program, it is certain that the Lord Almighty will get that message.
Let’s take a look at some of our fellow believers’ pleadings and supplications, shall we?
Texter #1 wants a boyfriend:
You know what? I can relate to her desperation. Sometimes… when I’m feeling down and out… after I’ve stumbled and fallen… and I mean in the literal sense of tripping and twisting an ankle… I pray to God. I pray to God to give me a BIGGER BUTT. Because I have - to be more accurate - NO BUTT. And sometimes I think to myself that if only I had some more weight around my posterior region, then maybe… just maybe… my body would be more balanced (literally). And maybe then… just then… I would stop tripping and falling all the time! Why, GOD? WHY?!?!
So yeah. I can definitely relate to Texter #1.
Texter #2 is a single mother who needs a male nanny or what is otherwise known as a MANNY:
[UPDATE: 28-Aug-2006 4:30pm] For the benefit of those who are reading this, I’ve decided to translate the message displayed above into a more understandable format:
Lord sna po lage u. bntayn ang 2 kidz me
Translation: Lord, sana po lagi ninyong bantayang ang dalawa kong anak.kz lam u. po lana cla ng fother.
Translation: Kasi alam niyo po, wala na silang “fother” (in fairness may British accent daw siya).at me na ang pa2 me pa ang ma2.
Translation: At ako na ang papa, ako pa ang mama.thankz. lord.
Translation: Thanks. Lord.
First of all, I absolutely love how respectful she is by repeatedly saying "po" which is, of course, the Filipino expression for respect. God, after all, deserves no less than our sincerest respect. I also love how she randomly inserts a period eventhough the sentence clearly isn’t finished. Yet. And her spelling - love it! When she said, "me na ang pa2", at first I thought, "pa2? she’s a duck?" and then she said "me pa ang ma2" so I immediately realized that she meant pa2 is to papa as ma2 is to mama. Oh Texter #2, you’re so tricky talaga. I’m quite confused with how she ended her message though. Does she just want to say "lord" one last time? Or is that by any chance her name, too? You know how you sometimes end short notes with just your name? Like this:
Hi, Filemona.
Don’t forget to buy the bangus for dinner.
Procopio
I’m quite puzzled. But at any rate, let’s all come together in a moment of prayer for our two texters and recite one "Our fOther"…
AMEN.
August 28th, 2006 at 12:10 am
hahaha so faaahny ha! but seriously I do not understand why the hell you have to text your prayers in? Is this some sort of racket just to earn more money? Etong mga tanga na yan naman naghihirap na nga nag sasayang pa ng load…I don’t know who’s the idiot here, kung yung abante or the texter…But maybe I should text in since afford ko naman, probably God does read abante tonite?!?!
August 28th, 2006 at 12:27 am
Hmm…maybe the prayer program is for people with petitions that are hoping others will help pray for them. I know of similar programs where people call in to do just that. Sort of like intercession. Mas powerful naman talaga ang prayer when you have others praying along with you. Sorry for being such a wet rag.
August 28th, 2006 at 12:36 am
Hoy, Jose, wag na! Magtipid ka! Ang taas na ng phone bill mo for one hundred years na!
August 28th, 2006 at 7:16 am
My brain broke with the second SMS, though I should probably thankful her “ko” is “me” and not “q”.
August 28th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
choob, what are you doing reading abante, eh? hmmm… hihihi!
August 29th, 2006 at 7:11 am
Laika: Well, true. I suppose if it brings a person a certain sense of peace and hope knowing that other people out their are praying for his or her concerns then that’s good. But Joe has a point. I can’t help but feel that these texters are being exploited for their beliefs. “Sige, I-text niyo kami at ilalathala namin ang inyong mga kahilingan.” Pero di libre ang text. I dunno. Just doesn’t sound right.
Wow. Serious banter in my blog’s comment section. Well this is a first.
Jane: You know? I didn’t find it hard to understand the second message at all. I wonder what that says about me? Po.
Maite! Maite! Maite Concepcucius! Don’t you know that I’m an avid reader of Abante Tonite?!?! I have a subscription pa! Hehe. Jhoooke!!!
It’s our maid’s copy. I think she’s the desperate lover who texted her wish to find D RYT GUY FOR HER LYFTYM PRTNER. Actually mali pa nga eh. Is she asking for a guy for herself? Because if you were to understand her message, she’s asking for a guy for her LYFTYM PRTNER. So ano yon? May LYFTYM PRTNER siya, tapos gusto niya ng RYT GUY for her LYFTYM PRTNER? Labo. Ano yon? Threesome?
August 30th, 2006 at 9:15 am
Hmmm, maybe it means that you’ll also find your LYFTYM PRTNER eventually. Hahaha.
I mean I know that the fact I’m sending my SMS with full text, correct capitalization and punctuation means I’v got lots of kalyo on my thumbs. Hehe.
September 3rd, 2006 at 3:18 am
Hi PoH! Here na me, wer na u? Thanks xa yeo! Txt bak mu aqu! God Bless poh. …hahaha!!! hmmm… I never saw an abante tonite copy here at home!? Are you sure it’s the maid’s copy?? someone’s making excuses!wahaha! actually it’s mine…and i’m texter number 1.. tenksh Ged!
September 3rd, 2006 at 7:36 am
heeeeyeeeeees!!!
September 24th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
“When she said, “me na ang pa2″, at first I thought, “pa2? she’s a duck?”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! you’re so fucking hilarious choob!!!
on a more serious note though, religion is the opium of the poor and ABANTE should be ashamed for exploiting the vulnerable like this. real CLASSY.
December 24th, 2008 at 6:49 am
tiptop location. So also gaol!
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