Allergyboy

[This is Part 2 of The World's Biggest Hypochondriac. Please read Part 1 if you haven't yet.]

So fastforward to Tuesday, which I miraculously survived thanks largely in part to the amazing support of my friends Karmi, Joe and Nin (oh how dramatic). I must also thank Diane for requesting the Universe to conspire to bring me peace of mind (she has connections). And, there I was sitting infront of my doctor’s office waiting to be sent in so I could find out the results. I was, to say the least, extremely anxious - like the-sky-is-falling-oh-my-god-we’re-all-gonna-die kind of anxious. And right beside my doctor’s clinic is a pediatrician’s office. Now, this office is integral to my story because if it had not been for this particular clinic, I would not have encounterd these people who I will refer to as "the Fat Brat from Hell and her Idiot Mother" or FBFH & IM.

So this is what happened: a mother and her daughter (who looked to be about anywhere between 2 to 4 years of age) came in for an appointment with this pediatrician. They sat down to wait for their turn about 3 seats away from me. The daughter (FBFH) then proceeds to tell her mother (IM) that she wants to go to Mcdonald’s. To which the mother replies in a rather calm and nice manner, "ok baby, we’ll go after our appointment". So, ok. Fine. Whatever. But then… Fat Brat from Hell would have none of that. She wanted her happy meal immediately and began to throw a tantrum. Now, I am normally understanding of kids, because, well… they’re just kids. But FBFH was OBNOXIOUS! She began wailing and screaming like a banshee on steroids, telling her mom "I WANT TO GO TO MCDONALD’S NOW!" And Idiot Mother just kept saying the same thing over and over, "ok, baby, we’ll go after". This went on for atleast thirty minutes. FBFH was screaming her lungs out for the entire hallway to hear, and IM kept saying the same DAMN thing, which CLEARLY WAS NOT WORKING. And there I was 3 seats away, on the verge of a nervous breakdown because my overly dramatic brain was already imagining my doctor saying, "I’m sorry, but you only have 3 weeks to live," and FBFH just kept sreaming and screaming and SCREAMING. I became so anxious that my left arm began experiencing involuntary muscle spasms. Seriously. I really thought I was going to lose it. So here’s what I did: I closed my eyes… and I prayed… I prayed to the Lord Almighty to give me strength in this most challenging time. I prayed to Mother Mary to interceed and bring me peace. The power of prayer, dear readers. It kept me SANE. Because otherwise, this is what I would have told them:

Excuse me, ma’am. I am sitting here in agony, waiting for my doctor to give me news that could potentially change my life. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am in PAIN! And I am trying to keep myself as calm as possible. But, the fact that your child is screaming her lungs out is NOT. HELPING. AT. ALL. In fact… IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE! So please… I beg of you… I implore you… go to the nearest Mcdonald’s branch, get a FUCKING BIG MAC AND STUFF IT DOWN YOUR FAT KID’S THROAT SO THE REST OF US CAN WAIT HERE IN PEACE! Have a nice day.

The End.

Oh wait… so I got a clean bill of health. And looking back, I now realize how crazy and laughable this entire situation was. And I think that realization has made me stop worrying too much about my health. In other words, I feel that I have come out of this just a little bit less insane. So maybe I’m not the world’s biggest hypochondriac after all.       

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 15th, 2006 at 3:25 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.